Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
