I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
