How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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