OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
