woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
