my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
