My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
