You work out of a Hotel?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
