Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
