It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
ttyl tear gas
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
