I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
