she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
