Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
