Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
