first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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