Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
