im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
