shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
