Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
