Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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