Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
