Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car