I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
