I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
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It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
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I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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