So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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