I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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