i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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