My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
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Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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