I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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