Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Please, let me fuck your mom
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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