I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
