There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
