I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
