Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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