drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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