You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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