i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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