i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
