weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
