i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
