Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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