I think I died a long time ago.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
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so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
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He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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