i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
