Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
