i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
