Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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