I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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