I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
