i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
