i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
