That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
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He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
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I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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