after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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