cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
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his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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