here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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