i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht